Aug 19, 2021
I turned 48 yesterday. How do I feel about it? I love it. I realise I've lived a full life. Many ups and downs. Tears, happiness and grief. That's what makes life, life right. Life was never meant to be perfect. How we live our life is completely our choice. How good are we at making choices? Hmm... Not too sure how to answer that but I know we make mistakes all the time.
When Marisa passed, my mum told me it was time for me to do everything I’ve always wanted to do. It sounds easy but I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know where to begin.
I've spent most of my life having LIFE dictate what I should do. You think once you get married, you start a family , work, watch the kids grow and so on so forth. I got married at 21. I had Marisa at 24. Then Marisa was diagnosed with brain tumor when I was 27. Life after that was all about her. As it should. Any mother would do the same. Being a Mum to a terminally ill child means the fight is yours. And for me if anything were to happen to her , I want to know that I gave her my all and my best. I had to fight for as long as I can. Her life was in Allah’s hand but I know I must ikhtiar. I must do my best.
After she passed I was at such a loss. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My 20’s and 30’s was all her . What am I supposed to do now? I had time and I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to do something for myself. I wanted to find balance between me, family and life. The road to discovery is not easy. I didn't have answers to a lot of questions I had for myself.
That decision to write wasn’t planned. When MPH approached for me to write I just went into it without thinking. I just had to write about my life with Marisa. Caring for Marisa was my therapy. It was how I grieved.I didn't think I could write but I did. Soon after I that I needed to make more of me. I wanted to know that my life had purpose and meaning.
Starting anything new in the forties is not easy. I questioned myself again and again.
What can l possibly do in my forties? I need to work on what I have. Continuing on what I started. Even that wasn’t easy. I took time thinking about my business. The decision was obvious. I had to try and make Just Mar's more than what it is now. I took small steps such as getting the business registered and opening a business account. Making sure that I make it work is a big step. I don’t know how to do this. Can I do it? Business is hard work and l have no knowledge of it.
I'm looking at my sad number of followers on Instagram.I'm looking at my low sales and I ask myself is it worth it. At a webinar l attended, I was asked to identify what my business stands for and why I am doing it. I haven't found an answer. It's been 2 months. I've been stuck because I am unable to identify my business. I literally wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it.
Self discovery and business discovery is no easy feat. Do I want to want to go ahead with it? Yes I do.I want to challenge myself. I want to grow and learn. I want my kids to know the importance of working hard and having goals and dreams. And importantly I want them to be independent. I still am unsure what Just Mar's is. I do and I don’t . Do you get me? I’m going to have to work harder at identifying Just Mar's as a business. Is it too late to do it at forty eight? I don't think so. Life is too short to wait for things to happen. Life is too short to just NOT DO . So , I’m going to try my best.
I hope those who have been supporting me all these years will help me grow. Help me find me. Help me find Just Mar's. Forty eight is definitely not too late. It is just a number.
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